What did you do to commemorate your last night of looking in a mirror before Ash Wednesday?
(fallibleblogma)
For me, Mardi Gras marked the last night I was able to dress up in my best attire for a benefit banquet I was attending, and see myself in a mirror. After a wonderful and classy evening, (it's not often a college girl gets to dress up fancy!), I changed back into my PJs and turned toward the mirror. All of my roommates were in bed, there were no fancy clothes, no makeup, nobody asking for an interview on the PTM initiative, no journal to write down my thoughts...just me and the mirror, and God. "Am I really going to do this?" I said to myself, glancing at the reflection. The excitement I had felt up until now, turned to uncertainty and fear and I have to say, it felt like I was encountering a mini "breakup" with myself as I took the mirror off the wall and put it in my closet until Easter.
So what about the first day with no mirrors?
I was reminded that earlier in the day, I had an interview with Kare 11 about PTM. At one point, the reporter asked me to look in the mirror and tell her what I saw. My mind went blank. I hesitated, and then with a deep breath I mustered up the courage to say what I thought was the 'right' answer. I said, "I see a beautiful daughter of God." True, but was I being honest? Of course this is what I hoped and longed to be true, but I still had 40 days to discover what this really means. Instead, what I should have said was, "I see someone who is trying really hard to be perfect and who wants, so badly, to be free." The reason a pang hit my heart when I put away the mirror was because instead of staring at my outer reflection, I was now faced with what was underneath the mirror--I was faced with my inner reflection: my need for perfection. The Lord is about to take me on a whirlwind of letting Him take control of my life! "Jesus take the wheel....", song by Carrie Underwood runs through my head as I write this.
I gotta say, my neck was sore from looking up and down and to the side, trying to avoid every reflective surface I could. Ok, so it wasn't really sore, but I was impressed by how many reflective surfaces I encounter everyday, and in how many of them I usually look at myself. For example, I work in an office on campus, and every time I use the restroom I have to walk past a whole string of reflective windows, which I realized I usually glance in as I pass. Entering the bathroom, there's not only a huge mirror that runs the length of the wall across from the stalls, but the hand dryer is reflective, the sink itself, and not to mention the floor-length mirror you have to walk towards to get to the door. Of course I made a few mistakes today, not realizing exactly where my eyes should go; but I know I'll get the hang of it after a few days!
I also attended Ash Wednesday Mass at noon where I was marked with a cross of ashes on my forehead, reminding me that "I am dust and to dust I will return." Today was the first day I wasn't even slightly aware of the ashes I sported on my forehead as I walked around campus for the rest of the day. This is how we should be with how we carry the gospel to others. It should be so present in us by the way we live, that the way we carry it is natural and unapologetic. I don't know who looked at my forehead and thought, "Oh, she's Catholic." Or, "doesn't she know she has some dirt on her forehead?" But the truth is, these thoughts never crossed my mind once. Because I was able to just BE, and go through my daily routine (with a little more difficulty but a little more freedom than I'm used to).
I want to finish with an excerpt from the Mass readings on Ash Wednesday (which, by the way, are AWESOME and you should read: Joel 2:12-18; Corinthians 5:20-6:2; Matthew 6:1-6,6-18). In Joel, he says "...rend your hearts not your garments, and return to the Lord, your God." He says, "return to me with your whole HEART." Today, you may worry about what you wear, and that you look 'presentable', but the Lord is saying that He just wants your heart. He knows that in turning away from the mirror, you are turning towards him. You are making your heart available for him to come inside. Make a home for Him in your heart. Trust Him, and let Him gently show you your inner reflection.
How was your first day with no-mirror? Tell me your story at deen1787@stthomas.edu
